Who will love a little Sparrow?
Will no one write her eulogy?
“I will,” said the Earth
“For all I’ve created returns unto me
From dust were ye made and dust ye shall be”
— Paul Simon, from “Sparrow” off of “Wednesday Morning, 3am”
I am reading Thomas Merton’s “Thoughts in Solitude”. Merton was a Trappist monk, and his writing reflects this entirely. It is couched deeply in Christianity.
Strong Christian language still evokes a visceral reaction from me, and it is challenging to encounter, primarily for the hate disguised as love, and the self-negation and denigration of the great human species which seems to me to be inherent in it. Christianity, as it was taught to me, shows that we are as filthy (mensural) rags. The scriptures say “our works” and yet every devout conventional Christian I know, views this as a comment on the self. Why should they not? All have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God, and their God is omni-potent, omni-benevolent, and omni-sentient, and yet there is childhood cancer, famine, wide-spread disease, the rape of children etc. I have found not theodicy which is valid to me. That which I see most often, is that if God is all good, all seeing and all powerful, and these things happen, then it must truly be only their own mind which is so sick and twisted that these things are bad-therein? For someone who invents the sicknesses they see in the world around them must truly be evil. I know of no Christian who says it like I have said it above, and yet when I enter into conversation with them, this is what I hear from them. Take it as you will. Perhaps I am entirely wrong. It would not be the first time. Yet it has been my experience time and time again, and that is all I can work from.
No, I think Christianity, at least as it is conventionally practiced, is a sickness. The same can most likely be said of all religions, yet Christianity was my cradle religion, and so it is the only one I am qualified to speak on, and in that, only the Christianity which i know. If yours is perfect and this does not apply, then let it be. And yet, in all faiths, we find those who move beyond the trappings of their religion, and into the realms of true seeking after the divine. They give up their own sickness and complexes, and come to a place beyond self judgement working only, earnestly, every day, to achieve communion with that which is beyond. This is the summum bonum which is contrary to all religions and dogmas, and yet is found by the faithful in all of them. I find Merton, through this writing, to be one of these true disciples and have been working to understand his own work in the light of my own path.
In his 15th chapter, he speaks of humility, with the aspiration to, and resolution of this simple prayer:
“I offer up this sincere prayer of my humility.”
He recognizes taking pride in his humility and finding this pride sinful, feels shame and recognizes that he can only offer up what he is. In this there is wisdom. I endeavor to reconcile the same process for myself:
In Thelema we often value pride, as it sets us apart from those who eschew that natural part of us. This is a goodness, to know and embrace a rightful pride, to not live in denial of this part of our humanity. Yet we often ignore humility which is essential when we come before God, or if you prefer, when we in our humanity stand before that Greater Self, which the Christians call “God in us” or the Holy Spirit. If we are students of Librae, and seek balance, we must know both of these in their fullness.
So what is my sincere prayer of humility? How can it exist? I am proud of my humility, and thus know it not to be true humility. In this, Merton is correct. Though I be no Christian, and see no sin in pride for prides sake, in this pride, the pride of humility which is incomplete humility, which is failing, I feel shame. Shame, unlike pure pride or pure humility, is a sickness and a useless thing, causing only setbacks.
And yet, I offer up what I have, with its humility and pride and shame all intermingled. I offer up my humanity. I offer up myself unto God, as I am.
If pride is the left hand path, and humility the right, then let us, as always travel up the middle path, offering what we are, with neither the pretensions of perfection nor of being “as filthy rags” but come boldly before the throne through the redemption of incarnation (“With the Coin redeemeth He”)
And the great Divine, in whom is all things, and who is in all things, by its very nature will accept this sacrifice which is at the same time both great and small, pure and corrupt, being of the nature of all incarnate things; for from the Divine we have sprung forth, and to the Divine we shall return, and in the divine, we are. Even our understanding of distance from the divine, our suffering and our pain at that suffering is in it’s own way a completeness of being and existence, which is a part of God-in-us.
This then is the secret of firmness, which is neither rigidity nor meakness; The ocean teaches us this when we sail, the wind and wing when we fly, and it is preached strongly in Aikido. It is found in “Desiderata” and in the teachings of even the meanest of self-help coaches, if they say anything useful at all. Let us offer what we have to the tasks before us, honestly searching. Let us be gentle with ourselves, for in gentility, we are encouraged to continue and comforted in the work we have done, avoiding the pointless discouragement which is shame, and which stops us from continuing, yet also avoiding pride which allows us to say “we have done enough, we have achieved!” Veering to the left or the right is stagnation and stoppage. So continue gently and firmly, with love for ourselves, either our love if we be strong, or only “Gods” love if we are not yet strong enough to love ourselves, and permit ourselves that most important forgiveness and exaltation. “Continue, for your work is sufficient.”
Know Will Dare 